My life - after 2 kids and 2 companies

Things are a bit crazy lately. And I only have 2 kids and 2 companies. I wonder how others are doing it. Not that I am complaining, just ranting slightly.

Anyway, our normal day starts as early as 5.30am. Get the kids ready for school, prepare their food for the day, get myself ready, drop them off - first Isaac and then Sophie. After that I will make it a point to have breakfast with Seb. And then my work day begins. Been doing 3 - 4 business meetings a day and it is crazy I tell you. Most days, I will pick Isaac up from school in between running from one meeting to the next. Send him over to my office and off I go to next one. I pick him up not because I am trying to be a supermom but because we only have one car so the driving duty falls on me.

I thought I could do this but recently I started to feel very tired when the clock strikes 7pm and on some days, I just lose myself. It is bad I tell you.

And I have two kids to handle, I can't give up. So these days, I try to limit my meetings to only 2 per day. One in the morning and one after lunch. So far so good. At least I can stay awake until Sophie falls asleep, which is midnight. I guess she misses us when we were away for work so night time is her time with us. She will make us watch Mother Goose Club with her the whole night. Kinda fun actually.

Isaac is sitting for UPSR this year so he's all about extra classes. Every afternoon and every Saturday morning.

Yup, that is pretty much it :)

Boring update. I know. But in case you were wondering what was I up to these days, the top secret is now revealed :)

How to keep yourself sane after a baby

I remember the first few weeks of having a new born at home. I was feeling euphoric every time I look at the newest member of our family. I couldn't resist playing with the tiny fingers, taking deep breaths and smell the sweet-sourish breaths, touching the soft skin, or repeatedly patting that rounded bum bum! I was under a spell even greater than when I fell in love with their father. In fact, both husband and I found ourselves spending hours on end just watching the new baby sleep.

Hundreds and hundreds of pictures taken until the phone memory blasted. But it was never enough. It was so magical. I didn't want to be anywhere other than with my baby - and with the family. Our little family. For a while, I locked the door and let only a few of my closest loved ones into our company. If possible, I might not even want to let anyone in and I felt okay with it. I didn't fancy an invite from a close friend to go out to have our regular girls night out. And even when I did, my mind was at home with my new baby. Some friends even judged but I was okay with it.

It took me a while to realise that I too should be looking after myself. I too deserve some time on my own. And I should not feel guilty about enjoying some time away from my family. This 'cocooning' phase is just me adjusting to my new life with a new member of the family but I should also give myself a chance to be happy. For I know that only when I am happy, I am the best mother or wife or anyone for that matter. So I thought I'd share some of the things that have been keeping me sane (post baby), in hopes that it might be helpful to some of the new or first time mummies...

1. Not to sound like a broken record, but I spend some time shopping online. There are so many affordable clothes on Zalora. Have a budget and (try to) stick to it. I usually buy something that is under RM100 and that new item in my closet gives such joy to me. For example this ALL UNDER RM99 deal. Trust me, you will find something you like and it will definitely make you a happier mother and wife without compromising on your budget!

2.  Go out for that girls night out with your bestfriend. If you are on shoestring budget, just pick a place that is not too pricey. You won't believe me but on some bad months, I still manage to go to a classy place such as WIP only with RM100 in my wallet and boy, we would have so much fun, its so good for the soul. Or you can go to places with Ladies Night like La Bodega Telawi on Thursday nights. That way, you could have fun for free. Sometimes, even an hour at a neighbourhood mamak like Devis makes me so happy. Anything that tickles your fancy, just make some time to go out with your girlfriend(s) and be happy for an hour or two without thinking about your baby(ies). Once you are done, go home, fresh and be that kick-ass mummy you are!

3. Pamper yourself with a good massage. If you could afford more, go to a nice spa and have that well deserved relaxing treatment. Massages also help with your milk production, if you are a breastfeeding mummy.

4. Get pretty, gals. Looking at that well groomed nails, face, hair and legs will make you feel so powerful and confident of yourself. No, you don't need to spend too much at one go. Choose one treatment in a month. I'd do nails this month and hair next. Vice versa. Here is one nails promo that you can give a try.

Anyway, don't ever forget, you are yourself first before a wife or a mother. You deserve to be happy.

Hope this helps and make every moment count. Whatever you choose to do, own it, gal!

My breastfeeding journey

Today marks 537 days of my breastfeeding journey.

Phew, let me take a minute and say my gratitude to the Higher Above.

I have been wanting to write about my breastfeeding journey but I kept putting it on hold. Procrastination is one. But mainly because I wanted it to be perfect. Hence all the unfinished drafts, growing fungal in my draft folder. But when I saw Adriana's post, I thought, ah screw it, it cannot get any more perfect that it already is. After all, it is my story. A story that I am very proud of.

Let me start by highlighting that my breastfeeding journey hasn't been an easy one. But precious nonetheless.

The push factor

I only breastfed Isaac for a week. I thought I didn't have enough milk (read I assumed). I thought he cried because he didn't have enough. People around me were pestering me to give formula milk. I obliged. I was young and uninformed. Period.

The thing that really moved me to breastfeed my second born was actually a very petty thing. Nothing gungho like health or anything huge - I met a mom of two during one of our many visits to the fertility centre. This wonderful woman was sharing her story and she made a direct comparison between her two kids. The one that she breastfed was very close and clingy to her whereas the other one was a bit distant.

That was it! I need to breastfeed my second born, I said to myself. Yup, I have always wanted a clingy child.


So when we managed to conceive Sophie, I made a promise to myself that I will read more and learn as much as I can possible do to keep myself motivated. I did research online, I bought books & I joined support groups. I learnt on the benefits of breastmilk (scientific and non scientific). I dug out all the case studies. I bugged my doctor with neverending questions. I made a list of potential challenges i.e. possible let down (which I never faced because I never had that much milk), what to do when my breasts are engorged, how to deal with sore nipples, the right way of latching and unlatching, the right posture and position while breastfeeding, which food to avoid that will dry up my supply and the list goes on and on.

So when we welcomed Sophie into the world, I was  we were ready.

The challenges

1. Similar to the first time I tried breastfeeding, 10 years ago, this time was no different. I wasn't one with abundant of milk. But this time, I am smarter teheee. My milk wasn't a lot, but it was enough. Sure I needed to try all sort of ways to produce enough for my babygirl, and it could get a bit tiring at times but it was not impossible.
2. I have sensitive nipples. They were sore almost all the time. Even before my babygirl had teeth. Of course it got worst the moment her first tooth came out #ouch.
3. Once the confinement was over, I had to go back to work. And my job is not a deskbound job. I was always out of the office especially when I was freelancing. So I didn't have proper places to express my milk. This means I had to pump wherever whenever possible. Among the places you might spot me :-

• In the car. 
• In public suraus.
• Inside clients' cubicles - I had to ask a few clients (during meetings at clients' offices) to use their cubicle because I was really low on supply and if I did not do this, Sophie won't have enough for tomorrow. In case you are wondering, I cried while pumping.
• In empty meeting rooms - at clients' office, in my office (my first job after confinement was at MGB and my ex colleague was a very nice lady (Rest In Peace, Heidi). She made sure I had a space to pump and she made sure people did not bother me whilst pumping).
• In empty halls at hotels (when I had events at hotels).
• Underneath my table - I was freelancing a lot at the end of 2014 so my jobs were projects based therefore I wasn't given a room, only an open workspace.
• In a cramp storeroom with no aircond nor fan.
• Toilets (during desperate moments and then I read about the bacterias that can 'jump' into my milk and pollute it and can possibly harm my baby. I cried (again) and stopped pumping in toilets. I cringed everytime I think about this).
• Everywhere in the office - walking around in and out of meetings with a Freemie hanging on my neck. I looked like I had a bad boob job (senget and oversized boobs all).

4. After MGB, I wasn't blessed with great amazing bosses who would understand my need to pump during working hours. There were times when I had to literally cry to show that I REALLY needed to pump! I was questioned on my whereabouts (padahal I was only gone for 10 minutes). I had to bring my laptop and worked while pumping in the storeroom/surau but I still got the stink eye once I finished. Sigh. 

How I managed it

For lacking supply:-

• I take a lot of booster food. There are different type of milk boosters for every individuals. Mine are longan, soya bean, any type of soup, papaya and fresh milk.
• I drink plenty of plain water - 4 litre a day.
• I don't skip meals - this means I eat lotsa carbs.
• I go for body massage on monthly basis. The massage helps to circulate my blood and essentially promotes my milk production. Also, it helps to keep me sane.
• The first few months were the toughest. My milk supply was considered low. I only had enough for one day supply at the nursery. And one thing I learnt was to always pump on schedule. During the first year, I never missed a session even if it meant I needed to cry to convince someone. At night, I'd try to wake up for my power pumpings every 2 hours. Today, I have officially stopped pumping because babygirl refuses to drink expressed milk at the school (surviving on water and food). But she is still exclusively breastfed. That means, I am a fulltime cow after 6pm, she is practically hanging around my boobs the entire night (even in sleep). 
• I made sure I got myself proper pump. There are plenty of good and affordable pumps in the market. Shop around. And if you can afford it, get a set of Freemie too. 

Dealing with sore nipples. Despite the so called prepared knowledge of latching it right to avoid sore nipples, I still faced this horrible challenge. My nipples were dry and cracked. I learnt that I should let her self-latch so I did, I let her do her thing. However, Sophie was having a hard time opening her tiny mouth so she usually just settled with whatever she could get (I guess for as long as there was milk). At times, I will provide help and it resulted to a pain-free latch. But most of the times, I was too tired and disoriented for lack of sleep so I just bit my tongue and let her latch however way she liked. And yes it hurt like hell #truestory. But I never gave up, I just kept biting my tongue and think of happy thoughts (or a brand new Prada hubby got me after I was discharged hehe. Upah beranak he said lol).

Anyway, I usually applied some of my milk on them nipples and air them. I did not use bras at home because I was just too lazy to do all of the buckle-unbuckle everytime she needed her milk. And this girl drank every 15 minutes #phew. Do note that wearing bra can make things worst as the bra will rub against your nipples and caused irritation so yup, apply your amazing-milk on your nipples and just air them. It will heal very fast, I am not kidding. I did have some lanolin cream but I seldom used them. Too lazy.

Sophie learnt to latch properly after a few weeks but my nipples are still sore from time to time. There's nothing much I could do except berserah. Hahaha.

At work, especially with bosses, I just learnt to ignore them and continued doing my part. Buying Freemie was also the best decision I have ever made during my breastfeeding journey (big thank you to my hubby). It helped save time and basically shut them mouths up. So what if I entered a meeting room with my pump buzzing, making noises that distracted them - as requested, I did not 'waste' my time at work by skipping my 10 - 15 minutes break of pumping in the storeroom (eventhough I deserved them). Yup, I practically ignored all the stares because I knew I was doing what's best for everyone - my baby, my selfish boss and myself. And I was proud of myself.

With colleagues and clients were somewhat easier. I just needed to tell them that I needed to take 10 minutes break in between meetings to pump and nobody has ever said anything nasty. Not to my face at least.

As for nursing in public, I never bothered any negative remarks. So it was never a problem to me. Still isn't. Come to think of it, why would I? 

Ultimately, the reason why I am still standing today, proudly saying that I have been breastfeeding my baby for 537 days is because of my husband. I am not bragging but truthfully, I have the most supportive husband. My husband would comfort me when I was down. He would drive me for an emergency massage late at night when I thought my supply dropped due to my body ache. He would do just anything to make me feel good. There was one time when I was so down and I blamed my pump for the lack of supply. So he went to buy another manual pump to motivate me. Yup, still there in the cabinet. Haven't even touched it hehe.

My message to fellow mummies out there

Do what you think is best for you and your baby. If you think you can and able to breastfeed your baby, do it. And when you decide to do it, be informed. Don't let a few negative remarks demotivate you. There are so many support groups that you can join. The one that I am fairly active in is The Breastfeeding Advocates Network on Facebook.

Of course, make sure you take everything with a pinch of salt. Do not be all emotional reading people's posts and most importantly, once you have learnt a thing or two, do not go preaching around and hurt people's feeling. Everyone is different and it is not your right to judge.

It has been a wonderful journey for me and I look forward for many more months (even years if I can) of breastfeeding my beautiful babygirl. And as overwhelming and time consuming as my breastfeeding journey has been, its benefits far outweigh anything unpleasant and I pray for the same for every mummies! #breastfeedingrocks

Please take part in this poll to help raise awareness of the need to support working mummies to continue breastfeeding. Thank you!

Wardrobe tips for breastfeeding mummies

Nursing confidently in public requires a lot of work. Especially for a vainpot like me.

When I first started breastfeeding Sophie, I had a hard-hitting phase adjusting in terms of what to wear. Being a working mum, no matter how sexist this might sound – I need to potray a certain ready-to-kick-your-ass image among my co-workers and clients – to shift them away from the gender streotype judgments. So I really went through all sort of experiments in the way I dressed up to work which was then found useful to the way I dress daily, even when I am not at work.

Just thought I'd share some tips with you fellow breastfeeeding mummies.

Wear two piece outfit.

A skirt or a pair of pants with top.

Wear a tank top inside.

I am yet to achieve my pre-baby weight. Which is totally fine for me, really. But what I hate the most is my flabby tummy. So I wouldn’t want to display this part of my body to public whilst breatsfeeding.

What I do is, I wear tank tops inside my blouse which covers my tummy when I lift my top to nurse my baby.

My favourite is Airism Camisole Top #mymusthavenursinggear. I have it in each color. I admit that it is a bit pricey so my trick is, I bought one piece each time I enter Uniqlo so it doesn’t look like I am spending so much just on camisoles (men wouldn’t understand so this is great to distract hubby from the real amount of my purchase tehee).

Or you can just wear any strectahble tank tops!

Alter your existing dresses

I love wearing dresses. I am a dress kinda girl. My whole walk in wardrobe (and hubs' closet and storage) are full with dresses alone. Work dresses, maxi dresses (and those slutty dresses I used to wear when I was younger #beentheredonethat).

But wearing dresses means – you need to lift your dress up to nurse your baby. Imagine doing that in public? Hehehe. Good news is, you can still wear your favourite maxi dresses!

What I did to my existing dresses is, I created detachable straps by adding on buttons. It is pretty simple, first I cut the straps off, then I created buttonholes and I sewn buttons on the straps. This holds the straps together on your dress. Similar concept to nursing bra.

You can also do open-tie halter neck. When you need to nurse, just untie it! Like shoe laces!

Or you can opt to wear another skirt or short pants inside!

Wear scarfs around your neck

I sometimes love wearing scarfs around my neck. Of course, a thin one, not the winter type. The scarfs work as a camouflage to cover the top part of my chest when I nurse.

Custom-made dresses

When I custom made dresses for weddings or events, I got my tailor to put a front zipper. You can style it in different ways. Side zippers, front zippers. You can also opt for button-down.

Just remember - however you choose to dress, the goal is to find something that you are comfortable with and works for you (and your baby).

Gadgets for children. Yay or nay?

I have been following the #prochoice hashtag on Twitter. This time, it wasn't about abortion but gentle-birthing. A topic I had a lot of interest in during my second pregnancy.

I have a lot to write about this and I have started putting my thoughts into a draft but with all the articles and news that are being shared lately, I chose not to publish it - just yet.

What I can share with you is, I agree that I need to be the one deciding what's best for my body and my baby. However, I do not condone any act that can possibly be harmful for me or my baby. 

It is good to do your research but make sure you are properly informed. Don't just jump into the bandwagon, just so. Period.

Anyway, speaking about choice, hubby and I decided long time ago that we will not be one of those parents who will easily hand their kid a gadget just to shut him/her up. Of course, we understand the advantages and disadvantages of gadgets. We are not saying that any kid with access to gadgets will eventually grow up with terrible aggression or will have problem with their brains development. We are just not a fan of such convenient parenting, if that makes sense.

As parents, we would like to try our best in comforting them when they are unhappy. We would like to entertain them when they are bored. We would like to play with them when they are high on sugar. And after all the efforts, if by giving a limited access to gadgets can make them feel better, why (the hell) not? Sure, they can have their time playing games on iPad or watching cartoons on iPad but it must be controllable.

I know kids who are so smart. There is one boy who was able to read his ABC at the age of 2 and half. And all he ever done is playing with his iPad. And his social skill isn't bad too. Wow!

We are aware that a lot of learning happens before the age of five. And if possible, we would like to maximise the learning process during this stage. At the same time, we would very much like our children to have as much fun as we did during our time.

I did not grow up with a lot of toys. However, I was exposed to more traditional play. I played with my friends almost every evening (after I was done with homework that was) and I can still remember the joy until this day. I remember each and every one of my friends in a very special way eventhough we are no longer in touch. It is amazing what long-term effects traditional play can have on one’s brain.

My hubby on the other hand used to get a toy each month. Just one, so he learnt to appreciate his toys. If you come to our house, you will see how well he takes care of his toys. He still have his childhood toys to date. All nicely displayed in a glass cabinet. He wouldn't even let Isaac or Sophie play with them.

Non of us had the luxury of playing with gadgets in our time. Of course, gadgets were not easily available back then. Owning a PC at home was already good enough. Today, every household has at least two gadgets. We have about 10 gadgets at home ourselves. 

There are a lot of studies that proved gadgets can cause a lot of bad effects. But there are also studies that show otherwise. My suggestion is, take everything with a pinch of salt. After all, most, if not all parents want the best for their kids. 

For us, we give Isaac an hour a day during weekend and school holiday. And sometimes we let him be on iPad or PlayStation as a reward when he does something good. As for Sophie, we only started introducing iPad to her recently (in an effort to keep her on her carseat). She is not really a fan of it though. She will only watch her cartoons on iPad during car rides, or when we give it to her. Even that, she will only watch it for 15 minutes? But it's way too early to tell. Let's see :)

Nah, some pictures of Sophie on iPad :)

So serious. Like a bawse!

Because one gadget is not enough?

Pink everything!

Because watching Sesame Street is such a serious business

Goodbye, mother

I was always someone that craved love and attention. This means, I used to accept love from anyone quite easily and willingly. If I met someone and that someone showed even the slightest of care, I'd grow attachment for him/her. And I'd give my all to him/her.

The root of this 'weakness' to fall for every Tom, Dick and Harry stems back to my childhood.

My mother was and still is unable to connect with me. I do not know what happened. All I know is she had us when she was quite young. And the fact that she was married to my late father who was addicted to narcotics was just an added bonus. The irony here is, my late father was actually in the force. He was a very handsome man with quite high rank in the force and I figured that was why she fell in love with him. After she gave birth to us, their marriage started to fall apart. What I heard from my late grandmother was, she had to fight real hard to get a divorce from my late father because the Syariah law in Malaysia did not grant divorce to the wife easily unless the word divorce came from the husband. During her battle, she sent my siblings and I back to hometown for my late grandmother to raise us. 

During these years being raised by my late grandmother, we hardly saw her. At least, as far as my memories serves me. She was working in KL and we were in Terengganu under the care of our beloved late grandmother (I love her with every fiber and cell in my body. May her soul rest in peace, O' Allah). She would come back once in every few months to visit us. She'd stay for, I don't know, probably 2 or 3 days. Even that, I didn't have any great memory with her. I do remember her coming back once in a blue moon. But, I seriously do not remember doing anything memorable with her.

Let's see, I am going to take a moment and try remembering the times I spent with her during my childhood.

I was 7 year old. I was awaken by grandma one night, telling me that my mum had just arrived from KL. I woke up excitedly rushing to her. I saw her with a lot of new bajus and snacks for us. But I don't remember hugging her or being hugged by her. No. I do remember a strange feeling though. I don't know what that is. 

And then, there was this time when she took us to KL during school holiday. She took us to Zoo Negara. She dressed my sister and I in matching yellow kurungs and my brother in red tee. My brother was really the cutest. I was cute too. My sister, not so much hehe. She bought us cute animal softtoy-caps. Mine was of course, in pink. My sister's was in green. We took pictures with the animals (I think she has that picture of 3 of us in her wallet until today). Then back at her rented house, we watched Disney movies. We read books and we spent the days chasing each other. That was probably the one and only moment that is so strongly embedded into my memory. 

She didn't always come back to spend raya with us. We were asked by neighbours and relatives during Eid "Where's your mum?" She didn't come back for raya with you guys?". Or "Eww, your baju raya has the weirdest color. It looks faded. I think your mum bought a second hand baju. She doesn't love you". Those words use to hurt. Those words were not supposed to be uttered by adults at all. Those people should be burnt in hell.

Sorry, walking down the memory lane hurts.

And then I grew up. Being a teenager just made things worst. I craved for my mother's love even more. By then, I was already in boarding school and was able to travel on my own so I would take bus to KL whenever she was in Malaysia (she was traveling the whole world with my stepfather and my baby brother). But all I remember was heartaches after heartaches. Being screamed at, being scolded at, being shushed at, being locked outside the house for coming home late, being thrown plates and pots at. I felt as if my mother was telling me that she felt no love and was ashamed of me. And that made me desperate to be the perfect daughter. I would go to any length to prove myself worthy, even do things I hated doing with her as a way of connecting.

I was however a very smart girl in school. I got pretty good grades in SPM. But, I didn't get the course I wanted. I wanted to do law because my mum once told me that I should become a lawyer. So I had to appeal. I took buses to Putrajaya to appeal at the Kementerian Pendidikan, I filled in all the forms on my own. And when I was accepted to one of the good universities to study law, all on my own efforts, I had to register on my own. I had to buy all the things I needed on my own. My stepfather was there, giving me some money and he visited me twice at the campus. My mother, never.

When I was 18 years old, out of desperation for love, I did something that caused her to disown me. I was upped and forced to leave the family home for good.

After I left home, I disguised my pain through unhealthy activities that I was not proud of. That time, I was in a situation where I needed a mother very badly. I felt alone, I was always hungry (not much money, just enough for one meal a day) and I was suicidal at times. I lived my life with an overwhelming sense of failure. I hated myself, and I was terrified all the time.

Throughout this phase, I met some amazing individuals that helped me to help myself. One of them is my husband. I found hope in life. I managed to build a beautiful home and family. Amazing husband, two beautiful children, good career. It seems perfect and enough.

But I am still a child. I still do crave for my mother's love. I have put efforts, mama. I am definitely not the best daughter. I make mistakes. I hurt your feeling. I chose wrong paths. But isn't it supposed to be your job to be there and pick me up? You were never there. When I am down, you pushed me even deeper down. And this time, on the eve of Mother's Day, you decided that I have done something terribly wrong (yet again) by just trying to be there for my own brother. You disowned me again. You said horrible words to me. You wished me a horrible death.

You hurt me really bad this time, ma. It is really not easy to be a good daughter to you. But I always try, ma. I tried. But enough is enough.

I was heart broken and I shared this with one of my Senior Consultants the other day. Then she said to me “You are such a wonderful girl. I can see from all your posts and your stories about your family. Your mother should be very proud of you.”

It was such a flippant statement, but for some reason it struck a chord. After all my years of ups and downs, these words from a stranger hit home. I can’t really explain it, but I felt a whole hoard of emotions: anger, regret, understanding, and, finally, relief.

I felt that, yes, my mother should be proud of me—and I felt sorry for her that she was unable to feel that way.

Is my first born hurting?

Isaac was the only child for 10 years so we were pretty much everything he's got. His world revolved around us and so did ours. Thus, when we got pregnant again, to avoid him feeling left out and abandoned, we made sure he was involved in everything. From choosing the second baby's name (actually I had the name since forever but I made him believe that he was the one who gave that name - Isaac, if you are reading this means you are old enough to understand that mummy just wanted you to feel special and you did, contribute in Sophie's name, you gave mummy the green light) to shopping for his baby sister's clothes and having him by my side at every doctor's check up. In fact, he always thought it was him who made it happened - me getting pregnant was due to the luck that he shared with me. My baby is a drama king. Don't know who he takes it after :P

He was pretty much excited about having a sibling. As a matter of fact, he has been asking for siblings for the longest time. Of course, if it was up to him, without hesitation, he would choose a baby brother over a sister. Therefore, hubby and I had a bit of convincing game to play, in changing his fondness about a baby sister. I happen to be pretty convincing (you can ask hubs, he'd testify to this), and Isaac started accepting the idea that having a sister could be fun too, certainly at his leisurely pace.

We planned on everyone's roles, what to do, what should be done when the time comes. He will have to help daddy carry the hospital bag and daddy would assist mummy walk to the car. No one screams (except mummy). Everyone should give mummy anything she asks for. You know, that sorta stuff lol.

And then the day arrived. His baby sister was ready to come out see the world. The contraction started in the afternoon of 18 February 2014. And because we wanted the birth to be as natural as possible, I went through the day as usual. At the end of the day, we went to bed. At 11pm, surges interval was 10 minutes. I did whatever I learnt in the hypnobirthing course. I took a hot shower, I did my birthing-breathing and I walked around the house. At 2am, hubs suggested that we should take a slow drive to hospital but I wanted to wait until the next morning. Mainly, because I did not want to pay for emergency hospital bill (it is more expensive after midnight until 6 or 7am) and two because I wanted to wait for Isaac to wake up so he could be a part of this.

At 4am, the surges interval was 5 minutes and mum (who just arrived from Singapore a day before to make me some of my cravings) suggested that we rushed to hospital. Old school, she didn't believe in hypo-birthing lol. And honestly, the pain started to be a tad bit unbearable so we quickly got ready and I totally forgot about Isaac. We left for hospital leaving him asleep with my mum at home.

We reached hospital at 4.30am and I gave birth at 6.48am. It was beautiful (but this is not about Sophie. This is about Isaac so I will save that story for later).

And I think, this was how it started. I unconsciously let my baby feel left out *cries*.

He was awaken by my mum to get ready to visit us in the hospital and when he was told that I have safely given birth, he got upset. He arrived at the hospital and I saw that look on his face. He was suddenly so distant. I was crying because suddenly my baby was no longer my only child. Suddenly I could feel that my baby felt left out. I might even sensed some anger from him.

But there was nothing I could do. I have given birth and I forgot about my first born *punches self in the face*. I did however make sure that aside hubs, no one could hold Sophie until he did. Not even my mum. Hubs asked him to sit down tight and placed Sophie on his lap. He smiled. He looked at her face with so much love and then he glanced at me. I nodded. I said to him, "That's your baby sister. Promise mummy that you two will always love each other even when you hate each other okay? Promise mummy that you will always look after her. Mummy loves you so much. And now, let's love Sophie together okay?". I rehearsed these lines over a hundred times in my head throughout my pregnancy.

He smiled again. I knew, he will be a very good big brother. But I also knew, he will need time to adjust.

After 2 days, we went home and he has been a bit distant ever since. He used to sit on hubs' lap whilst watching TV or in a coffee shop. And now, everytime hubs tries to carry him, he will just shrug off.

And with me, he has been misbehaving. A lot. It worries me. He started lying over the simplest things. He craves for attention so badly. He says things like, "why can you take leave from work when Sophie is unwell and not when I am unwell?". Yea, he says stuff like that. I am heart broken.

At times, the misbehavior got a tad bit intolerable by me. He would slam the door. He would make face. He would roll his eyes. Oh no! What is happening? My baby never did such things before. He was this gentle and loving young boy. But at the same time, we can tell that he loves Sophie so much. He would look after her. He would really care for her. And sometimes I caught him hugging and kissing her when we were not looking.

I have a feeling all this misbehavior is because he's seeking for more attention. Misbehavior is often a cry for help calming down, and a bid for connection. Therefore, we do try our very best to pay more attention to him and we try to justify everytime we do something extra for Sophie.

Is he jealous of his sister? Maybe. Or do all these just coincide with him growing up to becoming a teenager? Also possible. Is my first born hurting? This scares me the most.

Career woman or good mother?

Was doing some spring cleaning to prepare for CNY and I found this buku aktiviti that I used to jot down everything Isaac did when he was a baby. From the time he woke up until he fell asleep in my arms, every single day. I kept in my handbag in case Isaac would do something interesting for me to record. Obsessed much? Hee hee.

But that was then, when life was less hectic and I was more hardworking lol. I recently had a talk with someone who isn't a mother nor married on how tough life as a full time working mother would be and she shared that this is probably her biggest fear hence her uncertainty to get married and start a family.

"My life is almost perfect now. Amazing career. Bosses think I am super flexible and I might get promoted soon. What if a baby ruins all this? All the emergency leaves will just change how my bosses think of me", shared this ambitious-workaholic career lady.

 "It doesn't need to be complicated. Its actually easier than it seems", I lied.

The truth is, it is memang very difficult.I was once a workaholic. It is probably still in me but my priorities have switched and I am taking it easy now.

You see, I had Isaac when I was very young. That time, I had my late grandmother to help caring for him when I attended classes. Then I started my career in Customer Service. That time it was just a 9-6 job and I did it for money so I prolly didn't care less about making it in the corporate world. Plus I had my late grandma, my sweet loving late grandma....

As I moved into doing Corporate Communications, I started receiving more responsibilities and I really enjoyed doing what I did. By that time, Isaac was already in pre-school, a big boy. So hubby was the one attending to his needs whenever I was away. Yes, I was away a lot. I worked day and night. I finished work at 3-4am at times and back to work by 10am. I traveled so much when Uptrend was expanding its business overseas, I missed out on so much at home. But hubby was (and still is) and angel. He made sure Isaac didn't miss me too much and I made sure to spend quality time with him when I was around. So I thought.

The reality, I missed out a lot. The next thing I knew, he was going into primary school. I don't even remember helping him with his homework when he was in Standard 1 until Standard 3. I don't think I ever attended his school PIBG meeting. I felt guilty all the time. But I was really too busy.

And then, after 8 years of trying and numerous times of getting our hearts broken, we conceived Sophie in mid 2013. That was when I put my foot down and told myself I'd change. I will be there for my children. I will watch my children grow up. I will be a better mother. I will not put them as my secondary priorities when it comes to work.

I was telling someone the other day (I can't remember who) that I can work from anywhere anytime. I guess I forgot that things are not the same anymore now. It does break my heart a little because I was so used to be that person who could respond to boss and/or client anytime and now I am no longer that person. I need to hide in a toilet or let my baby cries wanting to have the phone in my hand whenever I need to respond to an email or text message.

Anyway, It hasn't been a smooth journey in my career post pregnancy. But I will however do my best. It will be better when she is slightly older, I tell myself that everyday.

Then: Able to work on the go on my smartphone, anytime anywhere.
Now: Everytime I take out my phone, Sophie will grab it away and put it in her mouth.

Then: Able to stay back at office almost everyday because I love working on my paperwork at night when nobody was around to bug me.
Now: Rush to go home as soon as the clock ticks 5. Because I worry that the 3 bottles of FMB that I supplied can only last her until 6pm and she will be hungry if I don't pick her up on time.

Then: Able to wear one piece dress and look neat and tidy at all times.Nice hairdo everyday.
Now: Can only wear 2 piece clothing. Anything easily assessable to pump and nurse in the car.Wash my hair once in 2 days time because of time constraint at home.

Then: Able to work from home.
Now: She always gets so excited when she sees laptop, she also want to hit the keyboard -__-

Recipe: Bolognese Pasta for My Baby

Our little Princess is a big fan of food. You guys should see how she salivates and and pretend-munch her saliva each time we eat in front of her. Due to this, and after much research and paed's advice, we decided to start her solid slightly earlier. Common practice is to only start at 6mo, we did when she was 4 and half mo. A bit advance but it was all properly researched and confirmed.

She is now 10mo and she has been having fun eating all her homemade food. Yes - I try to homemake all her food unless we are out for the whole day and she has finished the home-packed food, hence we don't mind giving her any of the organic ready-made food that we can get from supermarket (Cold Storage, Jaya Grocers, Village Grocers, Ben's) or if we are at The Curve, there is this cart that sells yummy homemade baby food (its located on 1st floor opposite MPH/Sony Centre).

Many of my friends have been asking for the recipes (I usually start of with recipes from recipe books that hubs got for me and subsequently, I alter as per my liking) and some of them are even initiating that I should start a baby food business (not that  I am so great at it). Anyway, sharing is caring and I don't own the rights to this recipe so here's the recipe of Sophie's current favorite: Bolognese Baby Pasta (suitable from 9mo and above).



Ingredients

• 1 tbsp virgin coconut oil
• 1 finely chopped onion
• 1 small clove garlic, crushed
• 20g chopped celery
• 50g finely diced tomatoes
• 1 medium carrot (approx 85g), peeled and grated
• Half of small size pumpkin, peeled and grated
• 100 g lean minced beef
• 100 ml unsalted beef stock or boiling water
• ¼ tsp fresh rosemary leaves 
• 3 tbsp Greek yogurt
• Baby Pasta

 Method

1. Heat the oil in a saucepan and sauté the onion and celery over a low heat for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally until softened.
2. Add the garlic and cook for one minute. Add the grated carrot and pumpkin and sauté for 4 minutes. Add 3 spoons of yogurt.
3. In a separate pan, dry fry the minced beef until browned, stirring occasionally.
4. Add to the onion and carrot. Pour over the tomato, beef broth or boiling water and add the rosemary leaves.
5. Cover and cook over a low heat for about 12 minutes.
6. Remove from the pan and pulse for a second or two in a blender to make a smoother texture.
7. Meanwhile, cook the baby pasta according to the packet instructions.
8. Drain and mix with the bolognese sauce.

 
Note: Please note that this recipe is for 4 portions. I usually prepare on Sunday, pack and freeze them.

Have fun cooking for your baby!
Y

Separation Anxiety

Sophie has been extra clingy lately. It is almost impossible to survive the drive to anywhere without her crying her lungs out, asking to be picked up from her carseat. My heart breaks each time L

And every morning, the journey to the babysitter’s house is always very stressful. She cries, sobs, screams…. And I will feel so guilty and then she gives me this look like she’s very angry with me *cries*

And then, I need to leave her with the babysitter right after the sulking saga *shrieks*

I know it’s weird. But I have been feeling a bit upset whenever I send Sophie to her babysitter’s house in the morning and she quickly jumps into her arms the minute she hears her voice. And then she refuses to even look at me.

“Refused to pick me up just now, right? Now, take this, Mummy. I like Umi better”.

*Drops on the floor and faint*

I don’t know if you understand this feeling. I should be grateful that my baby is comfortable with her babysitter. I am crazy, I know.

Cyber bullying among mothers

I know of mothers who always go by the book, no matter what they do. Be it the way they cook their children food, or the way to sleep-train the newborns and even the way they should dress their beautiful kids.

And then there are those who just follow their heart. As long as their children are healthy and happy, they are happy.

I am probably the one in the middle of these two groups. Although I sometimes lean towards the former, I do try to understand why the latter does it.

Lately, with all the social media platforms, it is very convenient to learn and share knowledge. I joined some of the groups that I find necessary for me to learn from other mothers. I learn a lot about how to carry my baby safely, what type of carrier that is safe for my baby, what type of food I shouldn't give my baby and my favorite is, how to keep motivating myself to keep breastfeeding my baby, you know, being a full time working mother with a practically no-desk-bound job. Most of the time, I am just a silent reader. Often, I feel disgusted with some of the comments from some mothers.

You see, sometimes there are some mothers among us, who are not very well informed. Sometimes, due to lack of exposure and sometimes due to plain ignorance. A lot of these mothers probably fall under the latter group. I am not saying all, but most mothers who I personally know who would just follow their hearts in raising their beautiful children and would let their children do as they please are not very well informed or not the type who would go by the book (can you tell that I am trying very hard to phrase my words so I would not offend anybody).

So these mothers would post something on Facebook page that is not by the book (and this will annoy those who are hardcore in following rules). But that does not mean the very well informed / clever / fall under the former group mothers should attack the other.

I myself get so annoyed when I read such attacking comments. For example, this morning I read about this beautiful mother (Mummy C) sharing on how her twin 13mo daughters did not want to sit on their car seats during their recent trip to somewhere due to horrible jam that prolonged their 3 hours journey to 8 hours. And she had to tandem breasfteed them and let them fall asleep on her lap in a moving vehicle. Yes, it is dangerous. So, there was this other mother (Mummy V) who was questioning on why didn't Mummy C just let hey babies cry on their car seats? Safety is more important, Mummy V said. And Mummy C went on to explain her situation again. And then Mummy V replied again defensively on why she felt Mummy C shouldn't have done it. And then Mummy C explained again and Mummy V said Mummy C should have pulled over at the first place before feeding them. And it went on and on and on.....

Yes, I am sure that Mummy C is fully aware of that. But, do you think, would Mummy C, by any way, deliberately put her daughters in danger? Informed or uninformed (in this case, she is actually a very informed parent, but she was left with no choice and she is just a loving devoted breastfeeding mother. Mothers and their soft hearts). 

Sometimes, people should have just kept their mouths shut. You don't have anything nice to say, just keep quiet. You don't like how other mothers raise their kids, and if you don't know how to tell them nicely, just keep quiet. Stop being a kaypochi and worst, a bully.

Creating awareness on good things i.e the importance of car seats, the right way to carry your baby, the benefits of breastfeeding, is good. But don't jump into judgement too quickly okay? Most, if not all mothers only want the best for their children. Regardless of how they raise them.

#StayBeautiful
Y