Monday, March 23, 2015

Is my first born hurting?

Isaac was the only child for 10 years so we were pretty much everything he's got. His world revolved around us and so did ours. Thus, when we got pregnant again, to avoid him feeling left out and abandoned, we made sure he was involved in everything. From choosing the second baby's name (actually I had the name since forever but I made him believe that he was the one who gave that name - Isaac, if you are reading this means you are old enough to understand that mummy just wanted you to feel special and you did, contribute in Sophie's name, you gave mummy the green light) to shopping for his baby sister's clothes and having him by my side at every doctor's check up. In fact, he always thought it was him who made it happened - me getting pregnant was due to the luck that he shared with me. My baby is a drama king. Don't know who he takes it after :P

He was pretty much excited about having a sibling. As a matter of fact, he has been asking for siblings for the longest time. Of course, if it was up to him, without hesitation, he would choose a baby brother over a sister. Therefore, hubby and I had a bit of convincing game to play, in changing his fondness about a baby sister. I happen to be pretty convincing (you can ask hubs, he'd testify to this), and Isaac started accepting the idea that having a sister could be fun too, certainly at his leisurely pace.

We planned on everyone's roles, what to do, what should be done when the time comes. He will have to help daddy carry the hospital bag and daddy would assist mummy walk to the car. No one screams (except mummy). Everyone should give mummy anything she asks for. You know, that sorta stuff lol.

And then the day arrived. His baby sister was ready to come out see the world. The contraction started in the afternoon of 18 February 2014. And because we wanted the birth to be as natural as possible, I went through the day as usual. At the end of the day, we went to bed. At 11pm, surges interval was 10 minutes. I did whatever I learnt in the hypnobirthing course. I took a hot shower, I did my birthing-breathing and I walked around the house. At 2am, hubs suggested that we should take a slow drive to hospital but I wanted to wait until the next morning. Mainly, because I did not want to pay for emergency hospital bill (it is more expensive after midnight until 6 or 7am) and two because I wanted to wait for Isaac to wake up so he could be a part of this.

At 4am, the surges interval was 5 minutes and mum (who just arrived from Singapore a day before to make me some of my cravings) suggested that we rushed to hospital. Old school, she didn't believe in hypo-birthing lol. And honestly, the pain started to be a tad bit unbearable so we quickly got ready and I totally forgot about Isaac. We left for hospital leaving him asleep with my mum at home.

We reached hospital at 4.30am and I gave birth at 6.48am. It was beautiful (but this is not about Sophie. This is about Isaac so I will save that story for later).

And I think, this was how it started. I unconsciously let my baby feel left out *cries*.

He was awaken by my mum to get ready to visit us in the hospital and when he was told that I have safely given birth, he got upset. He arrived at the hospital and I saw that look on his face. He was suddenly so distant. I was crying because suddenly my baby was no longer my only child. Suddenly I could feel that my baby felt left out. I might even sensed some anger from him.

But there was nothing I could do. I have given birth and I forgot about my first born *punches self in the face*. I did however make sure that aside hubs, no one could hold Sophie until he did. Not even my mum. Hubs asked him to sit down tight and placed Sophie on his lap. He smiled. He looked at her face with so much love and then he glanced at me. I nodded. I said to him, "That's your baby sister. Promise mummy that you two will always love each other even when you hate each other okay? Promise mummy that you will always look after her. Mummy loves you so much. And now, let's love Sophie together okay?". I rehearsed these lines over a hundred times in my head throughout my pregnancy.

He smiled again. I knew, he will be a very good big brother. But I also knew, he will need time to adjust.

After 2 days, we went home and he has been a bit distant ever since. He used to sit on hubs' lap whilst watching TV or in a coffee shop. And now, everytime hubs tries to carry him, he will just shrug off.

And with me, he has been misbehaving. A lot. It worries me. He started lying over the simplest things. He craves for attention so badly. He says things like, "why can you take leave from work when Sophie is unwell and not when I am unwell?". Yea, he says stuff like that. I am heart broken.

At times, the misbehavior got a tad bit intolerable by me. He would slam the door. He would make face. He would roll his eyes. Oh no! What is happening? My baby never did such things before. He was this gentle and loving young boy. But at the same time, we can tell that he loves Sophie so much. He would look after her. He would really care for her. And sometimes I caught him hugging and kissing her when we were not looking.

I have a feeling all this misbehavior is because he's seeking for more attention. Misbehavior is often a cry for help calming down, and a bid for connection. Therefore, we do try our very best to pay more attention to him and we try to justify everytime we do something extra for Sophie.

Is he jealous of his sister? Maybe. Or do all these just coincide with him growing up to becoming a teenager? Also possible. Is my first born hurting? This scares me the most.

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