Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Prologue

I caught myself staring into the empty space in the midst of all the chaos. Already, I am not here. It is happening. Already I cannot sense all the great things that are happening around me. This isn't how I wanted things to be. This isn't how it should be.

"I am okay" sounds like the best way to end the dreaded question and the miserable feeling it caused.

Friday, May 27, 2016

I am a mother of three

The past week has been one of the toughest weeks I had to endure in my life. From the moment we were told by doctor that we might be losing you, I never stopped praying. I prayed for miracles. I prayed for strength. I even told some people hoping I could gather more prayers so God would hear me better.

My instinct told me that you would be okay. And I'm the type of person who's good in this kinda game. I was actually pretty convinced and hopeful. I even felt your movement in me. People said it was too early for any movement but I knew that feeling. It was the same feeling I had when I was carrying your older siblings. I felt you. I knew I did.


And today, after a long hard week of waiting, we went to doctor's again. I felt good about today. I was sharing about my good feeling with him. Your daddy was just very quiet. I knew he didn't want to give me empty hopes. We had lunch at the hospital and the nurses said it might take about 2 hours for my turn so I figured might as well pick your brother and sister up from school first (I didn't want them around initially - in case of any bad news but I was feeling good about the whole thing so I asked your daddy to pick them up).


While waiting for them and my turn, I went through my work schedule and considering that you will come into this world before Christmas, I blocked the entire December. It's gonna be beautiful this year.

Come my turn, doctor did the examination. She couldn't see you through the tummy scan. She said that's normal because uterus does turn sometimes. So she did a vaginal scan.


I saw that look on her face. A look I didn't expect to see. She explained what happened and did what's necessary. Your daddy held my hand tight.


I was just lying there asking questions like it was nothing. I asked her to take me through the entire procedure. At the end of it, she removed you from my uterus and showed you to me. I had a quick glance and nodded.


I requested to bring you home. They packed it up. They wheeled in a wheelchair but I refused it. We took a slow walk to the car.


When we got home, I crawled onto the couch and I lied there watching your older siblings play and I felt a strange feeling in my tummy.


"My tummy feels empty," I said to daddy.


"You are probably hungry. Let me cook you something."


"I don't think so. It feels weird, like...hollow."


"I know, Hunny. I know." He held me close.


That moment I knew that feeling was real. I felt very empty inside. It felt hollow. I could feel the empty space you left behind.


I knew then that you've left me. That empty feeling was as real as the movement I felt yesterday.


I'm a mother of three now. Until I see you again, my little one.



Friday, April 22, 2016

My life - after 2 kids and 2 companies

Things are a bit crazy lately. And I only have 2 kids and 2 companies. I wonder how others are doing it. Not that I am complaining, just ranting slightly.

Anyway, our normal day starts as early as 5.30am. Get the kids ready for school, prepare their food for the day, get myself ready, drop them off - first Isaac and then Sophie. After that I will make it a point to have breakfast with Seb. And then my work day begins. Been doing 3 - 4 business meetings a day and it is crazy I tell you. Most days, I will pick Isaac up from school in between running from one meeting to the next. Send him over to my office and off I go to next one. I pick him up not because I am trying to be a supermom but because we only have one car so the driving duty falls on me.

I thought I could do this but recently I started to feel very tired when the clock strikes 7pm and on some days, I just lose myself. It is bad I tell you.

And I have two kids to handle, I can't give up. So these days, I try to limit my meetings to only 2 per day. One in the morning and one after lunch. So far so good. At least I can stay awake until Sophie falls asleep, which is midnight. I guess she misses us when we were away for work so night time is her time with us. She will make us watch Mother Goose Club with her the whole night. Kinda fun actually.

Isaac is sitting for UPSR this year so he's all about extra classes. Every afternoon and every Saturday morning.

Yup, that is pretty much it :)

Boring update. I know. But in case you were wondering what was I up to these days, the top secret is now revealed :)


Friday, April 15, 2016

I am not a saint but very likely an angel



My life may not be perfect, nor am I a perfect being. So when I pray to God each night, I hope he hears my prayers that the world will be a kinder place. A safer place.

Just the other day, I was listening to a new friend that I just made at a networking event - and he said something quite poignant.

Think of Paradise. Aim for Paradise.

I've got a long way to go before I even feel 1/millionth worth of his acceptance, but I'm comforted knowing the conscious is there. When I feel disheartened by sad news, or threats or a comment -- I am comforted that I am able to appreciate the feelings, even if it hurts or pains me; because that means I am human, and can only strive to please HIM. Noone else but him. A journey that only I must take; and let God be the judge for HE knows all.

I pray for solace and peace around the world -- that the flood victims will get the global aid sent over. I pray that those who died in vain tonight will rest in peace and those who are suffering to be granted patience and comfort. Disheartened. But I wont give up.

I can't go pleasing everyone - I can't keep justifying myself and I can't stop tongues from wagging or people from condemning. But I can keep still and patient , repent and forgive - and focus on those who matter.

People asking me to 'change'. To go back to God's path. Berubah lah, they say.

Now is that a threat? Thank God for authorities.

"I'm not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying" --Nelson Mandela

Yup. Never said I was a saint. I am afterall God's child- a sinner. But I am trying to make amends and to do the best I can for all.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts!