My breastfeeding journey

Today marks 537 days of my breastfeeding journey.

Phew, let me take a minute and say my gratitude to the Higher Above.

I have been wanting to write about my breastfeeding journey but I kept putting it on hold. Procrastination is one. But mainly because I wanted it to be perfect. Hence all the unfinished drafts, growing fungal in my draft folder. But when I saw Adriana's post, I thought, ah screw it, it cannot get any more perfect that it already is. After all, it is my story. A story that I am very proud of.

Let me start by highlighting that my breastfeeding journey hasn't been an easy one. But precious nonetheless.

The push factor

I only breastfed Isaac for a week. I thought I didn't have enough milk (read I assumed). I thought he cried because he didn't have enough. People around me were pestering me to give formula milk. I obliged. I was young and uninformed. Period.

The thing that really moved me to breastfeed my second born was actually a very petty thing. Nothing gungho like health or anything huge - I met a mom of two during one of our many visits to the fertility centre. This wonderful woman was sharing her story and she made a direct comparison between her two kids. The one that she breastfed was very close and clingy to her whereas the other one was a bit distant.

That was it! I need to breastfeed my second born, I said to myself. Yup, I have always wanted a clingy child.


So when we managed to conceive Sophie, I made a promise to myself that I will read more and learn as much as I can possible do to keep myself motivated. I did research online, I bought books & I joined support groups. I learnt on the benefits of breastmilk (scientific and non scientific). I dug out all the case studies. I bugged my doctor with neverending questions. I made a list of potential challenges i.e. possible let down (which I never faced because I never had that much milk), what to do when my breasts are engorged, how to deal with sore nipples, the right way of latching and unlatching, the right posture and position while breastfeeding, which food to avoid that will dry up my supply and the list goes on and on.

So when we welcomed Sophie into the world, I was  we were ready.

The challenges

1. Similar to the first time I tried breastfeeding, 10 years ago, this time was no different. I wasn't one with abundant of milk. But this time, I am smarter teheee. My milk wasn't a lot, but it was enough. Sure I needed to try all sort of ways to produce enough for my babygirl, and it could get a bit tiring at times but it was not impossible.
2. I have sensitive nipples. They were sore almost all the time. Even before my babygirl had teeth. Of course it got worst the moment her first tooth came out #ouch.
3. Once the confinement was over, I had to go back to work. And my job is not a deskbound job. I was always out of the office especially when I was freelancing. So I didn't have proper places to express my milk. This means I had to pump wherever whenever possible. Among the places you might spot me :-

• In the car. 
• In public suraus.
• Inside clients' cubicles - I had to ask a few clients (during meetings at clients' offices) to use their cubicle because I was really low on supply and if I did not do this, Sophie won't have enough for tomorrow. In case you are wondering, I cried while pumping.
• In empty meeting rooms - at clients' office, in my office (my first job after confinement was at MGB and my ex colleague was a very nice lady (Rest In Peace, Heidi). She made sure I had a space to pump and she made sure people did not bother me whilst pumping).
• In empty halls at hotels (when I had events at hotels).
• Underneath my table - I was freelancing a lot at the end of 2014 so my jobs were projects based therefore I wasn't given a room, only an open workspace.
• In a cramp storeroom with no aircond nor fan.
• Toilets (during desperate moments and then I read about the bacterias that can 'jump' into my milk and pollute it and can possibly harm my baby. I cried (again) and stopped pumping in toilets. I cringed everytime I think about this).
• Everywhere in the office - walking around in and out of meetings with a Freemie hanging on my neck. I looked like I had a bad boob job (senget and oversized boobs all).

4. After MGB, I wasn't blessed with great amazing bosses who would understand my need to pump during working hours. There were times when I had to literally cry to show that I REALLY needed to pump! I was questioned on my whereabouts (padahal I was only gone for 10 minutes). I had to bring my laptop and worked while pumping in the storeroom/surau but I still got the stink eye once I finished. Sigh. 

How I managed it

For lacking supply:-

• I take a lot of booster food. There are different type of milk boosters for every individuals. Mine are longan, soya bean, any type of soup, papaya and fresh milk.
• I drink plenty of plain water - 4 litre a day.
• I don't skip meals - this means I eat lotsa carbs.
• I go for body massage on monthly basis. The massage helps to circulate my blood and essentially promotes my milk production. Also, it helps to keep me sane.
• The first few months were the toughest. My milk supply was considered low. I only had enough for one day supply at the nursery. And one thing I learnt was to always pump on schedule. During the first year, I never missed a session even if it meant I needed to cry to convince someone. At night, I'd try to wake up for my power pumpings every 2 hours. Today, I have officially stopped pumping because babygirl refuses to drink expressed milk at the school (surviving on water and food). But she is still exclusively breastfed. That means, I am a fulltime cow after 6pm, she is practically hanging around my boobs the entire night (even in sleep). 
• I made sure I got myself proper pump. There are plenty of good and affordable pumps in the market. Shop around. And if you can afford it, get a set of Freemie too. 

Dealing with sore nipples. Despite the so called prepared knowledge of latching it right to avoid sore nipples, I still faced this horrible challenge. My nipples were dry and cracked. I learnt that I should let her self-latch so I did, I let her do her thing. However, Sophie was having a hard time opening her tiny mouth so she usually just settled with whatever she could get (I guess for as long as there was milk). At times, I will provide help and it resulted to a pain-free latch. But most of the times, I was too tired and disoriented for lack of sleep so I just bit my tongue and let her latch however way she liked. And yes it hurt like hell #truestory. But I never gave up, I just kept biting my tongue and think of happy thoughts (or a brand new Prada hubby got me after I was discharged hehe. Upah beranak he said lol).

Anyway, I usually applied some of my milk on them nipples and air them. I did not use bras at home because I was just too lazy to do all of the buckle-unbuckle everytime she needed her milk. And this girl drank every 15 minutes #phew. Do note that wearing bra can make things worst as the bra will rub against your nipples and caused irritation so yup, apply your amazing-milk on your nipples and just air them. It will heal very fast, I am not kidding. I did have some lanolin cream but I seldom used them. Too lazy.

Sophie learnt to latch properly after a few weeks but my nipples are still sore from time to time. There's nothing much I could do except berserah. Hahaha.

At work, especially with bosses, I just learnt to ignore them and continued doing my part. Buying Freemie was also the best decision I have ever made during my breastfeeding journey (big thank you to my hubby). It helped save time and basically shut them mouths up. So what if I entered a meeting room with my pump buzzing, making noises that distracted them - as requested, I did not 'waste' my time at work by skipping my 10 - 15 minutes break of pumping in the storeroom (eventhough I deserved them). Yup, I practically ignored all the stares because I knew I was doing what's best for everyone - my baby, my selfish boss and myself. And I was proud of myself.

With colleagues and clients were somewhat easier. I just needed to tell them that I needed to take 10 minutes break in between meetings to pump and nobody has ever said anything nasty. Not to my face at least.

As for nursing in public, I never bothered any negative remarks. So it was never a problem to me. Still isn't. Come to think of it, why would I? 

Ultimately, the reason why I am still standing today, proudly saying that I have been breastfeeding my baby for 537 days is because of my husband. I am not bragging but truthfully, I have the most supportive husband. My husband would comfort me when I was down. He would drive me for an emergency massage late at night when I thought my supply dropped due to my body ache. He would do just anything to make me feel good. There was one time when I was so down and I blamed my pump for the lack of supply. So he went to buy another manual pump to motivate me. Yup, still there in the cabinet. Haven't even touched it hehe.

My message to fellow mummies out there

Do what you think is best for you and your baby. If you think you can and able to breastfeed your baby, do it. And when you decide to do it, be informed. Don't let a few negative remarks demotivate you. There are so many support groups that you can join. The one that I am fairly active in is The Breastfeeding Advocates Network on Facebook.

Of course, make sure you take everything with a pinch of salt. Do not be all emotional reading people's posts and most importantly, once you have learnt a thing or two, do not go preaching around and hurt people's feeling. Everyone is different and it is not your right to judge.

It has been a wonderful journey for me and I look forward for many more months (even years if I can) of breastfeeding my beautiful babygirl. And as overwhelming and time consuming as my breastfeeding journey has been, its benefits far outweigh anything unpleasant and I pray for the same for every mummies! #breastfeedingrocks

Please take part in this poll to help raise awareness of the need to support working mummies to continue breastfeeding. Thank you!

Wardrobe tips for breastfeeding mummies

Nursing confidently in public requires a lot of work. Especially for a vainpot like me.

When I first started breastfeeding Sophie, I had a hard-hitting phase adjusting in terms of what to wear. Being a working mum, no matter how sexist this might sound – I need to potray a certain ready-to-kick-your-ass image among my co-workers and clients – to shift them away from the gender streotype judgments. So I really went through all sort of experiments in the way I dressed up to work which was then found useful to the way I dress daily, even when I am not at work.

Just thought I'd share some tips with you fellow breastfeeeding mummies.

Wear two piece outfit.

A skirt or a pair of pants with top.

Wear a tank top inside.

I am yet to achieve my pre-baby weight. Which is totally fine for me, really. But what I hate the most is my flabby tummy. So I wouldn’t want to display this part of my body to public whilst breatsfeeding.

What I do is, I wear tank tops inside my blouse which covers my tummy when I lift my top to nurse my baby.

My favourite is Airism Camisole Top #mymusthavenursinggear. I have it in each color. I admit that it is a bit pricey so my trick is, I bought one piece each time I enter Uniqlo so it doesn’t look like I am spending so much just on camisoles (men wouldn’t understand so this is great to distract hubby from the real amount of my purchase tehee).

Or you can just wear any strectahble tank tops!

Alter your existing dresses

I love wearing dresses. I am a dress kinda girl. My whole walk in wardrobe (and hubs' closet and storage) are full with dresses alone. Work dresses, maxi dresses (and those slutty dresses I used to wear when I was younger #beentheredonethat).

But wearing dresses means – you need to lift your dress up to nurse your baby. Imagine doing that in public? Hehehe. Good news is, you can still wear your favourite maxi dresses!

What I did to my existing dresses is, I created detachable straps by adding on buttons. It is pretty simple, first I cut the straps off, then I created buttonholes and I sewn buttons on the straps. This holds the straps together on your dress. Similar concept to nursing bra.

You can also do open-tie halter neck. When you need to nurse, just untie it! Like shoe laces!

Or you can opt to wear another skirt or short pants inside!

Wear scarfs around your neck

I sometimes love wearing scarfs around my neck. Of course, a thin one, not the winter type. The scarfs work as a camouflage to cover the top part of my chest when I nurse.

Custom-made dresses

When I custom made dresses for weddings or events, I got my tailor to put a front zipper. You can style it in different ways. Side zippers, front zippers. You can also opt for button-down.

Just remember - however you choose to dress, the goal is to find something that you are comfortable with and works for you (and your baby).

Fasting while breastfeeding

I have been wanting to say something about this issue too many times already but I just bit my tongue. 

You see, I am a breastfeeding mummy. My babygirl is 16mo and I am still exclusively breastfeeding. And I don't fast. Yup. Nope, I am not ashamed.

I am not blessed with a lot of milk but I am blessed with enough milk and I am blessed with determination to continue breastfeeding my babygirl despite all the obstacles I faced during this breastfeeding-journey (ignorant boss who did not want to understand my need to pump during working hours, crazy back to back meetings that made my pumping schedule almost impossible, very little production on certain days of the month….).

So I work hard to produce sufficient milk for my babygirl. I eat a lot of milk booster. I drink tons of plain water. I pump on time. I don’t skip meals! Yes, I cannot skip meals. And by meals, I mean a full complete meal with lotsa carbs #whyihaventloseweight.

Which means, if I still want to be able to produce the same amount of milk (which is just enough for a day consumption), I cannot fast.

Now, people judge. Especially those who are very 'fond' of themselves of being 'the' good Muslim and feel that they know everything. Konon.

Sure, there's ruling on fasting for breastfeeding mummies. 

“If the woman is not affected by fasting, and fasting is not too difficult for her, and she does not fear for her child, then she is obliged to fast, and it is not permissible for her not to fast.”

“If the woman fears for herself or her child because of fasting, and fasting is difficult for her, then she is allowed not to fast, but she has to make up the days that she does not fast.”

In this situation it is better for her not to fast, and it is makrooh for her to fast. Some of the scholars stated that if she fears for her child, it is obligatory for her not to fast and it is haraam for her to fast. 

But, there are still people who keep preaching on how one must fast. No matter what the circumstances are. Must fast. 

“Just make sure you sahur. Drink a lot at night. Eat this and that. It is okay your baby should be fine with minimal milk. I breastfeed and I fast why can’t you? Eh just mix with formula why trouble yourself until need to skip fasting?”

You see, Islam is simple. And beautiful. (Our) People make it sound complicated. God exempts you from fasting if it is harmful for you and/or your baby, so don’t fast. Think, who are you trying to please and impress? God? Or your peers?

Simple math. Definitely not a rocket science.

Don't get me started on how judgemental people get when a Muslim woman eat during the day of Ramadhan month, for many reasons (menses is one of them). As if your iman is so thin, see people eat already tempted? Isn't fasting supposed to teach you some good values including to be patient and to learn to control your nafsu? Tsk tsk tsk. 

Disclaimer: We are expected to compensate for the missed fasting at a later time or pay some expiation for not fasting. There are a lot of fatwa on this. You can consult a scholar for better understanding, I am in no position to provide any religious advices (not yet at least). For now, you can refer to someone like this one.

Exemption for pregnant and breastfeeding mummies

Nursing in public

Someone commented that I should cover up when I nursed Sophie in public without covering. This was a few months back. And then I saw a friend posted something about feeling very disgusted cos she and her friend, both female here, saw someone's boobs whilst that person was nursing her baby in public. And she said that person should have learnt to use nursing cover.

So if you breastfeed in public without covering your tetek means you are intentionally being inconsiderate about others feeling?

You mean, those who stare at your tetek can get offended that they saw your tetek? Hmm.

You see, babies have their own preference too. Mine doesn't like to be covered because:

1. She heats up and sweats very easily.
2. Therefore she gets very frustrated.
3. She gets distracted with the cover and start playing with it.
4. When she's distracted, she will unlatch and then I will attempt to latch her again and she will unlatch and this will go on and on and on. And the process of latching and unlatching can get pretty painful.
5. At the end, she won't feed properly, still hungry and sleepy and both of us get so frustrated, I don't even mind if people stare at my beautiful boobs.

Nursing cover used to work during newborn stage but big no no to my 10mo girl now.


Even if you personally and magically were somehow able to nurse a baby past four months old under a cover with no issues, or know of someone who does, please, stop judging and stop telling moms to cover up. It’s unreasonable!

Especially to those who are not even mothers. What do you know? There, I said it.

intentionally inconsiderate of other people’s feelings - See more at: http://www.mothering.com/articles/cant-just-nurse-cover-answer-photos/#sthash.D1AgZZL2.dpufs

intentionally inconsiderate of other people’s feelings - See more at: http://www.mothering.com/articles/cant-just-nurse-cover-answer-photos/#sthash.D1AgZZL2.dpuf

intentionally inconsiderate of other people’s feelings - See more at: http://www.mothering.com/articles/cant-just-nurse-cover-answer-photos/#sthash.D1AgZZL2.dpuf

intentionally inconsiderate of other people’s feelings - See more at: http://www.mothering.com/articles/cant-just-nurse-cover-answer-photos/#sthash.D1AgZZL2.dpuf

intentionally inconsiderate of other people’s feelings - See more at: http://www.mothering.com/articles/cant-just-nurse-cover-answer-photos/#sthash.D1AgZZL2.dpuf

intentionally inconsiderate of other people’s feelings - See more at: http://www.mothering.com/articles/cant-just-nurse-cover-answer-photos/#sthash.D1AgZZL2.dpuf

Cyber bullying among mothers

I know of mothers who always go by the book, no matter what they do. Be it the way they cook their children food, or the way to sleep-train the newborns and even the way they should dress their beautiful kids.

And then there are those who just follow their heart. As long as their children are healthy and happy, they are happy.

I am probably the one in the middle of these two groups. Although I sometimes lean towards the former, I do try to understand why the latter does it.

Lately, with all the social media platforms, it is very convenient to learn and share knowledge. I joined some of the groups that I find necessary for me to learn from other mothers. I learn a lot about how to carry my baby safely, what type of carrier that is safe for my baby, what type of food I shouldn't give my baby and my favorite is, how to keep motivating myself to keep breastfeeding my baby, you know, being a full time working mother with a practically no-desk-bound job. Most of the time, I am just a silent reader. Often, I feel disgusted with some of the comments from some mothers.

You see, sometimes there are some mothers among us, who are not very well informed. Sometimes, due to lack of exposure and sometimes due to plain ignorance. A lot of these mothers probably fall under the latter group. I am not saying all, but most mothers who I personally know who would just follow their hearts in raising their beautiful children and would let their children do as they please are not very well informed or not the type who would go by the book (can you tell that I am trying very hard to phrase my words so I would not offend anybody).

So these mothers would post something on Facebook page that is not by the book (and this will annoy those who are hardcore in following rules). But that does not mean the very well informed / clever / fall under the former group mothers should attack the other.

I myself get so annoyed when I read such attacking comments. For example, this morning I read about this beautiful mother (Mummy C) sharing on how her twin 13mo daughters did not want to sit on their car seats during their recent trip to somewhere due to horrible jam that prolonged their 3 hours journey to 8 hours. And she had to tandem breasfteed them and let them fall asleep on her lap in a moving vehicle. Yes, it is dangerous. So, there was this other mother (Mummy V) who was questioning on why didn't Mummy C just let hey babies cry on their car seats? Safety is more important, Mummy V said. And Mummy C went on to explain her situation again. And then Mummy V replied again defensively on why she felt Mummy C shouldn't have done it. And then Mummy C explained again and Mummy V said Mummy C should have pulled over at the first place before feeding them. And it went on and on and on.....

Yes, I am sure that Mummy C is fully aware of that. But, do you think, would Mummy C, by any way, deliberately put her daughters in danger? Informed or uninformed (in this case, she is actually a very informed parent, but she was left with no choice and she is just a loving devoted breastfeeding mother. Mothers and their soft hearts). 

Sometimes, people should have just kept their mouths shut. You don't have anything nice to say, just keep quiet. You don't like how other mothers raise their kids, and if you don't know how to tell them nicely, just keep quiet. Stop being a kaypochi and worst, a bully.

Creating awareness on good things i.e the importance of car seats, the right way to carry your baby, the benefits of breastfeeding, is good. But don't jump into judgement too quickly okay? Most, if not all mothers only want the best for their children. Regardless of how they raise them.

#StayBeautiful
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