Life as it is

I haven't blogged in months. A few weeks ago, I bumped into an old friend and he asked if I still blog. It reminded me of how much I loved blogging and I even wanted to get serious at it, you know to monetize it and all. But I never really got to it. Why? Because the old me always did things half way. I never actually completed anything in my life. May it be a hobby or relationship or education.

Was I ever proud of myself? I don't think so.

These days, every time I am faced with challenges, I will remind myself of the old me. The one who never completed anything in life. Sure, I achieved lots of things at a young age. Personal achievements, work achievements. But I used to give up easily. So no, I won't let myself succumb into that again.

Business has been tough. There has never been a day that passes when I don't worry about business. And I only own a small business. Not even in the same league with those who are doing so well out there. There are too many things to think, to worry, to settle. I won't be able to share it here but suffice to say, it hasn't been easy. I am not sure if people around me know that things are tough for business owners like me or they only see the chocolate coated life we portray on social media.

We do have good days. We do get to enjoy the luxury of a lot of things. But I can tell you that out of the 24 hours given by Allah to all of us, I work for at least 18 hours a day. I barely sleep these days. One, because I am yet able to find a good position to sleep since I entered 3rd trimester. Two, because my mind is constantly thinking. Worrying about overhead, worrying about deliverables and performances. Worrying about my relationship with some people in my life.

You see, being in business taught me to be both selfish and selfless. As selfish as it may sound, I allow myself to not care too much about people outside work and family. I think I deserve it. As a boss, I need to look after my team. If they are not performing due to a personal issue, I need to be more humane and understand the cause before start evaluating them. If they are not getting what they deserve at work due to my lack of leadership, then I need to learn to be a better leader. And despite any challenges I face as the management team, I still need to fulfil my responsibility to them. There is no excuse. All this takes a lot out of me. And I still have 2 kids and a husband who need my attention at home. And mind you, I am 36 weeks pregnant.

I used to be the one organising, initiating plans among friends but these days, I don't do that anymore. I might initiate once or twice, but that would be it. I won't push any further if people cannot commit to anything. Plus, I am learning to accept that everyone has their own commitments and preferred way of spending their precious time. It is nobody's fault but I miss this part of my life. I miss being with friends and just talk about things that do not matter. I sometimes wish I can take a break from being so good at everything, from being so precise and on top of things. I just want to be ordinary and talk about a TV drama series or a certain expensive tudung brand. Growing up sucks but it's part of life but despite all these feelings, I am so very grateful for all the blessings Allah has poured onto me. If you ask the younger Yan from a few years back, she would never see herself having everything she has today. Alhamdulillah.