The past week has been one of the toughest weeks I had to endure in my life. From the moment we were told by doctor that we might be losing you, I never stopped praying. I prayed for miracles. I prayed for strength. I even told some people hoping I could gather more prayers so God would hear me better.
My instinct told me that you would be okay. And I'm the type of person who's good in this kinda game. I was actually pretty convinced and hopeful. I even felt your movement in me. People said it was too early for any movement but I knew that feeling. It was the same feeling I had when I was carrying your older siblings. I felt you. I knew I did.
And today, after a long hard week of waiting, we went to doctor's again. I felt good about today. I was sharing about my good feeling with him. Your daddy was just very quiet. I knew he didn't want to give me empty hopes. We had lunch at the hospital and the nurses said it might take about 2 hours for my turn so I figured might as well pick your brother and sister up from school first (I didn't want them around initially - in case of any bad news but I was feeling good about the whole thing so I asked your daddy to pick them up).
While waiting for them and my turn, I went through my work schedule and considering that you will come into this world before Christmas, I blocked the entire December. It's gonna be beautiful this year.
Come my turn, doctor did the examination. She couldn't see you through the tummy scan. She said that's normal because uterus does turn sometimes. So she did a vaginal scan.
I saw that look on her face. A look I didn't expect to see. She explained what happened and did what's necessary. Your daddy held my hand tight.
I was just lying there asking questions like it was nothing. I asked her to take me through the entire procedure. At the end of it, she removed you from my uterus and showed you to me. I had a quick glance and nodded.
I requested to bring you home. They packed you up. They wheeled in a wheelchair but I refused to use it. We took a slow walk to the car.
When we got home, I crawled onto the couch and I lied there watching your older siblings play and I felt a strange feeling in my tummy.
"My tummy feels empty," I said to daddy.
"You are probably hungry. Let me cook you something."
"I don't think so. It feels weird, like...hollow."
"I know, Hunny. I know." He held me close.
That moment I knew that feeling was real. I felt very empty inside. It felt hollow. I could feel the empty space you left behind.
I knew then that you've left me. That empty feeling was as real as the movement I felt yesterday.
I'm a mother of three now. Until I see you again, my little one.